These pages are devoted to jokes and short-short stories cast in the Guyanese vernacular, as only true Guyanese laugh stories can be told.

Since this is not an adults-only web site, only the tamer swars are included on Guyana Outpost. Some of the funniest jokes were omitted since they were either too racy, had too strong language, or might not be "politically correct enough", even though they also help define who Guyanese really are.

You know you are true Guyanese when you:

• Know that certain foods are yu "KINNA."
• Know that when some people"vex" they does "swell up like CRAPPO."
• Know that the sweetest banana is a "SPECKLE" banana.
• Know that a "WILD CANE" can't be found in a cane field.
• Know that if yu use "FLOUR PASTE" to make yu kite yu better hang am pud de wall.
• Know that there are only two types of fish in Guyana - "SCALE FISH" and "UNSCALE FISH."
• Can remember every "MARABUNTA STING" you ever got.

You know you are Guyanese when:

• you go to the International House of Pancakes and look for Dhal & Roti
• A Lexus is just TransPote
• you go "home back" instead of go "back home"
• only you know the meaning of "cochore", "skites", "s*unt" and "bannas"
• the only word to describe somebody that can't dance is "Pagaley"
• you spit in a tin can full of carbon, and shake it good before lighting it up, and set fire to some kerosene soaked steel wool on a clothes hanger for your home-made fireworks
• you and ya buddy dem a fight and ya momma tell you "ya rang and strang"
• you know what black sage is
• you invite your girl friend for a date at the cinema,and she bring the whole family
• you ask the shopkeeper to sell you 2 cigarettes instead of the whole pack
• you go to school with green mangoes and salt and pepper in your pocket
• you put chalk mark on de bridge [or rice] so ole higue go pass yuh house
• you cover up the mirror when lightning flashing
• you talk about Hunte's cook up rice
• yuh best fren is yuh gal fren bruther
• It's time to get up when you hear the first fowl cock in the morning
• you turn up at a wedding, uninvited, eat up the food, drink up the booze and make a spectacle of yourself
• children want to be read a "nancy story" before they go to sleep
• you never hear the term hydrocele ... but goadee immediately gives you de picture
• you spout terms like "last lick", "anti man", "mota bike", "sweetee", "patacake", "bubby"
• you go to the cake shop and buy salara
• you refer to all chewing gum as 'chico'
• ya pick up ya date and put she pon the wood bar on ya three speed bicycle and ya all gone to Brown Betty for ice cream
• you remember good Friday as being quiet and the only thing you are allowed to wear is black, white or purple and eat only fish
• you used to know at least one banna named Reds, or Coolie Boy, or Douglah, or Fat Boy, or Buck Boy, or Chinee
• you know what "gimme lil ting" mean
• you know someone who has definitely slept with a "Wobbin" or a "kang a lang"
• precisely why Auntie Bess a hallah
• that giving someone a "drop" has nothing to do with either giving them liquor or putting them down suddenly
• That a "sagaboy" is neither akin to a swagger stick nor a story teller
• What Sitira did on the dam, in addition to having first hand knowledge of the mating habits of Buxton Boars
• you know when not to touch the radio, because ya mother want to hear death announcements
• you know the difference between a "genip" and a "jamoon"
• you know a "cashew" to be a fruit and not a nut
• you spend Easter Monday flying your kite at the sea-wall
• yuh get itch between yuh toes and dey seh yuh got Chigga
• yuh know most a dee words to 'Sanko licky love up pon de dam'
• yuh used to run after school fuh buy flutie, cone crush, and snow cone with condensed milk
• yuh went to school wid at least one girl that had a big batty.
• you ask for a buckta instead of underwear
• your air jordans is a yattinboots
• you see a drunk man ride he bicycle all the way home from the rum shop and fall down as soon as he reach home
• you ask for directions and you're told to "go daside and tun lef, den go pass de coconut tree and jump ovah de trench and yuh reach"
• the truck driver tell you to 'lock hard' meaning turn the steering wheel all the way
• someone speak of a "sugar bowl cover" and mean a "panty"
• you know the meaning of the phrase "keep gettin up"
• you understand when someone "mek dey heights"
• you would not be bothered if someone said to you "safe man" instead of "thank you"!
• you know what "shocking colours" are
• you know that a boring person is someone who "ain deh pon nuttin"
• you understand that a "PACKU" is not only a fish
• you understand Precisely what your partner means when they declare "you deh pon yuh own"
• you call a fat man "FATMAN", a slim man "FINEMAN", any oriental looking person "CHINEY"
• you know what BUCK PEOPLE look like
• you know what a BUFFIANO girl looks like
• you know what's a "BROADHAT"and "PALAWALA"
• you would publicly state "ENGLAND CUD NEVER BEAT DE WEST INDIES"
• you don't like fellas who "BLACKCAKE DE WUK"
• you know when yuh girl "Flags Flying"
• Understand that "cousin and cousin mek dozen"
• You describe all chewing gum as either "Chico" or "Wrigleys."
• You collect "plastic bags" from the supermarket and re-use dem til dey buss up
• You clean tin foil after using it once and store it for further use
• You believe that all modern medical treatment is a con as there is nothing that can't be cured by:-
  • Sapping yuh forehead with "Limacol" or
  • Drinking "Ferrol" or
  • Tekin a "Whizzz"
• You describe all hairdressing as "Vaseline" ... or "Grease"
• You still "pick peas"
• You know a male whose name begins with "egg as in "Eggbert" etc.
• Yuh know dat "shortime" is not related to working practices in the usual sense
• Despite what the experts sey, yuh (personally) know of a "rain forest" growin "South"...or Mahaica...or Dartmouth
• Yuh still hold yuh breath wen yuh press the electric switch ... or turn on de taps
• Yuh still boil all water before drinking it even if it was bottled
• Yuh still cook wid "gas bottle"
• Yoh still prefer dippin water from a basin when tekin a shower
• At the supermarket yuh are de only one who does ask fuh:- a) "Steakbeef", or (b) "Ice Apple" or (c) "Pig Face" or d) "English Potato" or (e) "Chicken Foot" or (f) "Tripe" or (g) "Cow Foot" (h)"Runners"
• You tell people dat yuh have family livin "overseas" ... or "foreign"
• You refer to sneakers as "Yaatin Boots" or "Trackers"
• Though you have lived in the USA for donkey years you still calculate everything in US/GY, even when you are in the USA
• You "chew up" your chicken bones and suck out the marrow ... in public
• When your leavin your home you always ensure yuh "wearing a clean buckta or pantee" and that "yuh skin oil" in case yuh get "knock down"
• Yuh got no idea what de ten regions in Guyana are but yuh know exactly where "Region 11" is located
• You refer to all clear cleaning fluids as "Marvex"
• You eat "fish head" and "suck out de eye"
• You distinguish between "salt biscuit" and "sweet biscuit"
• "Around the corner" could mean 10 yards or 10 miles
• You call all chocolates "Cadbury's", and after opening it you put it in the fridge and eat one segment per day
• All pasta is described as "Spaghetti"...
• In any event, you are unable to distinguish the kinds of pasta as YOU EAT EVERYTHING, including chowmein and soup, WITH RICE
• You feel that the following should be made a compulsory part of the driving code (a) driving with your elbow outside the window; (b) turning without indicating (c) Keeping the high beam on all the time; (d) Red light should mean slow down and go if nothing is coming
• You refer to denim trousers as "hard pants"
• You still "pick rice"
• You drink "Ice Wata" or "Swank"
• Your idea of a good night out is to buy a "food" for your date and tek she "pon de Sea Waallll"
• Your idea of "just now" ranges from 5 minutes to 5 hours
• Yuh know to "Suck Your Teeth" (stupes) ... in ten different ways
• You know the meaning of anyone of the following words: a) Gam b) Beefsin c) Ticksen d) Taw e) Lines Out f) One taw, two taw, any taw
• You call the operator to make overseas calls as you (personally) know dat direct dialling doesn't exist
• You have lots of "friends" who you can identify only as "Blacka, Putagee, RedMan, Buckboy, Chinee, Coolie Boy"
• You know at least five different ways to say "Eh Heh"
• Every wedding, anniversary, birthday or other celebratory speech you've heard included the phrase "On this auspicious occasion"
• You fail to see why hand luggage should have fit in the overhead bins or under the seat in front of you,as far as you are concerned as long as YOU could carry it on board that's good enough for you
• As far as you are concerned, overweight should apply only to people not luggage
• You doan fly Bee Wee by choice
• You still vulcanise your punctures
• You think that buying "genuine spare parts" are a rip-off 'cause there is always some one who "can fix de vehicle widout dem ting"
• You have actually "feeled for fish"
• You are unable to fathom why women are repulsed by the fact every single tooth in your mouth is gold
• Never enough "Oldies"...or..."Three Step"...or "Jump Up" is played at parties. Consequently, you still have a lot of "shots" to demonstrate
• yuh concept of time is not related to clocks but to something yuh muddah use to cook with
• the words "fire, fire, bun meh hand" used to drive the fear of the devil thru yuh young heart
• you remember Friday afternoon being the time fo settle scores
• the word "stinkee" got more to do with your finger than your nose
• you figured out that catching crabs was easy if you could avoid the "tengle-leh"
• you grew up thinking filaria only happened to fat ladies in the market
• you know that neither "eye pass" nor "fat eye" relate to optometry
• you call anyone who studies harder than you a 'Bunsen'
• you (personally) know at least one 'catchar' who has 'cut up yuh runnings'
• 'having no dunzai' was a temporary drawback because either
  • yuh always 'kno a banna at de gate'; or
  • yuh could always 'mole up at de freeco round de corner'. or
  • yuh know yuh cud 'jump de fence' ... or 'scale de palin'
  • Even if yuh had dunzai...yuh still used to try fuh jump de fence as you believe that not payin is a God given right
• very early on in your dating life you realized that he who walks....walks alone
• you know that 'Number 63' is a beach
• you know dat 'Lot 12' is not a place to visit or be living
• you know that 'Rice- Eater' is a species of dog
• when eating out you indicate your choice by saying "Ah using..." or "Ah doan use...."
• you can understand how the words "yuh big s*unt" can be either an affectionate greeting, or a gross insult
• you find it impossible to explain to colleagues exactly what a labba is ... but you know that you can curry it
• you always laugh or suck yuh teeth whenever strangers,(island people in particular) show you "a river"
• in your view humming birds "stickle" not hover
• you always stir your rum on the rocks with your finger
• you know how much is "Jonah Crown", and only "big eye" people tek dat much
• you know dat an "English Duck" is not an animal
• you know that "molee biscuit" and "vhum-vhum cheese" don't refer to a delicacy
• you know that to "fly uncle charlie kite" has nothing to do with Easter
• you know exactly what "caanta" means
• you realize that yuh could never depend on the six o'clock bee to sound off on time
• yuh know that "No Big Ting" was a radio program
• you pickney get "bad eye" you ga fo tek em to de pandit or magee fo jaarah am
• you know that "Married man poke" is not flesh from pigs
• you call all toothpaste "Colgate"
• you spend $300 in beer and $10 in presents for you 5-year-old kid

True Guyanese:

• know that 2 man rat can't live in one hole
• know that "FINE WINE" is not an alcoholic drink
• know for a fact that "yuh can't go crab dance and ain geh mud"
• know for a fact that "Sunday Chronicle is not only a newspaper but also a famous brand of toilet paper
• know that Durban Park, Cuffy, De Race Course, and Square of the Revolution are exactly the same place
• remember that red white and blue = chinee callaloo
• are familiar with the term or ridiculous activity - "mass games"
• understand that RUNNINGS has nothing to do with athletics; a bubble party has nothing to do with bubbles
• know that asking a person "to dress down" in a crowded place has nothing to do with dressing casually
• know the difference between "gimme lil ting" and "give me a little of that item"
• know that "Gam" is not short for "Gamble"
• know least two people name "Crabman", "knack a ting", and "Fine Things"
• know someone who not only know a few "Catchars", but know that their siblings are "cunumunus"

King Tiger

Tiger, the king of the South American jungle, had many duties in addition to all the privileges that go with being the top gun among the animals. One of these was maintaining law and order among the animals of the jungle. To this end, Tiger always had an open court over which he presided first thing every morning.

Usually, there aren't too many cases to be tried, just the usual case of babboon making too much noise, bush cow not cleaning up his do-do on the trails, etc.

One morning, however, as soon as the morning court opened, in walked Mr. Deer, tears falling from his eyes. Alarmed, Tiger asked:

Tiger: What's the problem, Mr. Deer?

Mr. Deer: Your Majesty, you wouldn't believe this. Monkey's cheating with my wife! She confessed last night. She said he comes around when I gone to work.

Tiger: Man. I really can't blame Monkey. That wife of yours is really cute, you know. You should keep a better eye on her. Anyways, I'll warn Monkey to stay away from her.

Mr. Deer: OK, Your Majesty.

And that was the end of the morning's proceedings, because there were no other problems.

Next morning, as soon as court opened, in walked Wild Pig, tears streaming down from his eyes, and with the same complaint. Monkey was cheating with his wife too!

Tiger: Well, Wild Pig it's really hard to blame Monkey, you know. The way Mrs. Wild Pig "whine up" that good looking backside of hers, even I find it hard not to ... Er, never mind! I'll have make some time and go over there and tell to Monkey to stop it ...

Wild Pig: Thanks, Your Majesty.

As soon as Wild Pig left, in walked Bush Cow, tears pouring down from his eyes too.

Tiger: Wait. Don't tell me ...!

Bush Cow: Yes, Your Majesty. Monkey cheating with my wife too!

Tiger: It's things like this I can't understand. Mrs. Bush Cow so dawn ugly and square up! Why would it ever cross anybody's mind to do somebody like that? Only a criminal and a trouble maker would do a thing like that! Ah going down there right now and put an end to this problem. Court dismissed for today!

So Tiger, mad as hell, stormed down to Monkey's tree to set things straight. Monkey, however, hearing Tiger "cussing" and coming in his direction, quickly scrambled up to a high, slender branch, safely out of Tiger's reach.

Tiger: Monkey! Get down here! I've got to talk to you right now!

Monkey: B-b-b-but, T-t-t-tiger. I aint do nothing!

Tiger: You aint do nothing? You dawn no-good trouble-maker! Get down here so that I can tear you apart!

Monkey: I don't care what you say, Tiger. I aint coming down there!

Tiger: Alright. You stay up there, I'll stay down here until you come down. But if you don't come down right now, I swear I'll break your legs when I catch you!

Monkey: A-a-alright. I g-g-gun come down if you t-t-tie up paws!

Tiger: Alright. I tied them up. So why aren't you coming down?

Monkey: I st-st-still afraid of your j-j-jaws ...

Tiger: I'll tie those up too. Just stop trembling and get down here!

Monkey: A-a-alright ...

So Monkey came down cautiously from the tree and approached Tiger, He was still trembling, even though Tiger was now completely harmless with his paws and jaws all tied up.

Tiger: You still trembling, eh, you dawn good-for-nothing!

Monkey: Y-y-yeah. I still trembling, but n-n-not f-f-from fear, but from excitement. This is the first time I'm gonna do a tiger!

Nightmares

All you remember Cussbert and his son Junior?

Well, one night Junior jump out he sleep screamin'. Cussbert run over to Junior to find out what happen.

Cussbert: Wha' happen, boy? Like you gettin' nightmare?

Junior: Yeah Daddy! Ah dream Aunt Mary dead!

Cussbert: Wha' wrong wid you, boy? Aunt Mary ent dead. Ah see she this afternoon liftin' three bucket water! She had one in each hand and one pon she head! Hot mouth woman like that don't dead easy!

Junior: Alright, Daddy.

Junior sleep away and life went on as normal. Next day, as soon as Cussbert land home from work, he wife tell he that Aunt Poonts get in a accident and dead. Cussbert tell heself that it was just a coincidence.

About a week later Junior start holler in he sleep again. This time he dream that Cousin Rufus dead. Well, Cussbert tell heself that that ent gun happen. Rufus was a strong young teenager and things like that don't happen to teenagers! Next day, as soon as he get home from work, he wife tell he that a bolt a lightning from outa nowhere hit Rufus and kill he! Oh heck! Cussbert suddenly start to shiver all over! He start wondering if he shouldn't give Junior sleeping tablets so that he wouldn't get any mo' nightmares!

Anyways, about a week later Junior start holler in he sleep again! This time he dream he father dead! Oh rabbush! Cussbert nearly pee heself! Next day Cussbert careful pon the road, in the office, in the cafeteria, and all over the place! Finally, the work day finish and he went home, telling heself that Junior get it wrong this time.

As soon as he reach in the house, he wife tell he: "Cussbert, you should see the big commotion here today! As soon as the milkman drop off the milk by the door he fall down and dead!"

Sickbed

Although she husband did slipping in and out of a coma for several months, dis bannah wife stay by 'e bedside every single day.

When 'e finally ketch 'e self, 'e call she. Wen she siddung pun de bed near 'e, 'e seh,

"Yu know ? Yu' deh wid mi wen t'ing bad."

Tekkin' Breeze

Guyanese, deh always wah breeze.....ah lady dat ah know tell meh de addah day dat she muddah come from Guyana fuh spen a few weeks wit she an she driving she up de wall.

She seh dat everyday she muddah complaining dat she in getting enough breeze, dat de place hat-hat ... Meh fren decide dat befoe she guh to wuk she gun lef de door open suh she muddah cun get some breeze.

Eheh ?!! wen she guh back home in de aftahnoon she see she muddah "swell up", she complaining dat de place suh hat, dat she cuddn't tek a lil res.

Meh fren tell she muddah ... wel why yuh didnt tek a walk outside caws it cool ....de muddah seh to she ... well ah cuddnt guh an tek ah walk caws yuh lef de door open.....

-- Romesh Singh

The man of the house!

Harry had a rowdy wife. The woman could pelt mo' blows than a boxer wid ten hands, especially when she had a broom in she hand! One day she corner Harry unda the bed and blows flying all 'cross he head! Whaddax! Whaddax! She peltin' blows and she bawlin':

Wife: You call yourself a man? Come out here and tek your blows like a man!

Harry bobbin' and weavin' and tryin' to dodge, but he couldn't get away from the blows! So he start bawl for he neighbor Thomas.

Harry: Thomas! Thomas! Help me! Ah gettin' mi ass buss! Ow, man! Come help you drinkin' pardner, nuh!

Well, Thomas hear he pardner and he come runnin' over to Harry house to see what going on. When he see how the woman got Harry, he tell he:

Thomas: Man, Harry. What happen to you, man. You ent the man o' the house?

Harry: Yeah ...

Thomas: Well, talk for yourself nuh.

Harry: Dammit, Thomas! You damn right! I is the man o' the house and whatever I say, goes ...! And I say I ent coming out from unda dis damn bed!

Pirai

Fat Boy lillest daughter was coming of age. Man, the girl was looking good! Fat Boy decide that this one in gun marry any foreigner, scientist, or any other such good-for-nothing! She got to marry the bravest man in the land! So he arrange a competition by he air-conditioned pig pen behind the Gardens. He had a squad a soldiers dig a deep pond about 100 foot across and full the pond with pirai (piranha, the deadly man-eating fish). The rules wuz simple. Any man who could swim across the pond gun marry he daughter! He put a big ad in the newspapers announcing the competition for Sunday morning, 9 o' clock sharp.

Well, by 9 o' clock a big crowd already show up, everybody surrounding the pond, including Fat Boy and he daughter on the far side. The first man to try, jump in the pond and start swim. Before he could swim 20 foot the pirai eat he out. When the water clear, all you could see was he skeleton. Man, everybody was frightened!

After about 15 minutes, another banna volunteer. He walk up to the edge and plunge. Before he could hit the water, the pirai eat he out, right in mid air! Boy, well now everybody di' really frighten. Everybody just stand up wid their hands fold, looking at one another.

All of a sudden, a banna fly in the water and start swimming like hell for the other side, with a whole bunch a surprised pirai right behind he! He mek it to the other side and jump out right in front of Fat Boy and he daughter. The crowd was going wild, clapping and shouting!

But then Fat Boy daughter notice that the banna was a rasta, and she seh, "Daddy, I in wan' marry no rasta! I can't handle that i-tol food!"

Well, wha' Fat Boy gun do now, wid everybody watching?. So he seh, "Look, banna, ah gun give you anything you want if ___".

Rasta: "Anything I want? Anything I want? All I want right now is to catch the person that push me in deh!"

Cussbert

Cussbert Snr gets home from work and finds Jnr in tears.

Snr: Wha' di' hell 'appen to you, Junior?

Jnr: Daddy, ah get licks 3 times in school today ...

Snr: 3 times? A bright boy like you? How da 'happen?

Jnr: Di' maths teacher ask me, "What is 2 times 3?", an' ah tell he 6. Then he ask me, "What is 3 times 2?"

Snr: Wait, wait. Is not the same c***, man?

Jnr: Same thing ah ask he ...

Snr: Aright. Aright. Wha' else you get licks fa?

Jnr. In the Science class, di' teacher ask me to hold the black wire. Then he tell me to hold the red wire ...

Snr: Wha?! You know you could f*** youself up like tha'?

Jnr: Same thing ah tell he ...

Snr: Aright. Aright. Wha' bout the other one?

Jnr: This was in the P.E. class ...

Snr: P.E.? Wha' you could get licks in P.E. fa?

Jnr: The teacher tell we to form a line in front he. Then he say fo lift up we left leg. Then he say fo lift up we right leg.

Snr: Wait, wait. So wha' you gun stand up pon? Your dick, or wha'?

Jnr: Same thing ah ask he!

Baby

Ever hear the one 'bout the banna sellin' insurance? Well, his wife was in Public Hospital expectin' baby anytime! The banna nervous as hell, but he still had to ride he motorcycle all over Georgetown, trying to sell insurance and "catch he hand" before the baby come. But every now and then he would call the hospital to find out how things going.

Well, you know the hospital. First of all, you can't get through to them. The phone would ring and ring, and nobody would pick it up. Finally, when somebody pick it up, they gun say, "Wha' you want? ... Oh, you want t'know if you wife get baby, eh? Ah could see three a dem in the nursery from here. Wha you own look like? ... You ent know? You sure you is de fadda? ... Look, we don't give out infamation to strangers!" [Bradang!]

That does only mek he mo' nervous! "And why the hell she can't get baby right pon time? Schuuups! An ah hope she don't get twins, man. She mammy get two twins, and ah hear it does run in the family!" he gun think to heself. Dammit!

He try to call the hospital again and he ent getting through, as usual. Finally, the lines get crossed and he get on Bourda cricket ground, just in time to hear a voice at the other end say, "SIX OUT AND FOUR MORE TO GO!!!" The banna nearly drop the phone and faint! He put it back quick to he ear just in time to hear,"AND THE LAST ONE WAS A DUCK!!!"

Bets

There was dis ole lady who walk into Barclays bank in Water St., GT. She had a 10 lb paper bag, full ah $20 bills. Anyway, she walk up to de cashier gal and seh in the best british accent she has: Young lady, I want to open an account, and I have a really big deposit to make.

"Let me see your manager, because he is the only person I can trust."

De cashier was really upset about dis insult, but she rememba dat de customer is "always right"

So, she call de manager, who chacked out de bag, and invited dis ole lady into he office. All dis time, de bank manager really curious. (Of course, he is local!)

So, he ask: Ma'm, if it pleases you, where did you get all this money from?

Ole lady: I bet.

Manager: So, you visit the tracks or do you bet in the horse race parlours? The parlours are dangerous you know.

Ole lady: No, I just make personal bets. Would you like to make a personal bet with me, young man?

Manager: That depends.

Ole lady: I will bet you that exactly at 8.30 am tomorrow, your balls will become square. Let us bet $100, 000.

Manager, agreeing to the bet and thinking: I can win that. All my life, these jewels have been the same way, there's no way they will change overnite.

After de ole lady leff, de manager still nat wanting to tek chances, decide to cancel he cricket match dat afternoon, tek a taxi rather than ride home. All went well, de jewels remain de same. Dis fella really checking!

Anyway, the next maaning, de ole lady show up with a fella, who by his looks alone, had to be a lawyer (which he was).

De ole lady insisted to see de jewels. Manager sehs, OK.

De ole lady sehs: I have to be sure. I want to feel them to be really sure. manager sehs, OK.

As soon as de ole lady start to check, de manager noticed de lawyer started to bang his head pon de desk, really hard too.

Fearing de worse, de manager ask: What is his problem?

De ole lady sehs: Oh, don't worry with him. He just lost a bet we made. You see, I bet him that I can have the manager by the balls, and he did not believe. For that, he has to pay me $500,000.

It was nice doing business with you, sonny!

Big gun

Charlie was in court answering charges of stealing a rifle. Here is how it went:

Judge: How do you plead, Charlie?

Charlie: Not guilty, Your Honor.

Judge: How did you come by this rifle, Charlie?

Charlie: Your Honor, I had this rifle since it was a lil', lil' pistol!

Judge: Well, in that case, Charlie, I will have to send you Mazaruni prison (maximum security prison in Guyana) 'till it grow into a big, big cannon!

Tekkin' Mo Breeze

Ah tell yahall boys dat dis breeze tin is a Guyanese ting ... my muddah, she come back de addah day from Canada an California.

Eheh???!!! I come home from wuk waan afternoon an ah see she siddown lookin vex, suh ah seh wha happen ... De place hat-hat, ah cyant do nuttin how it suh hat.

Ah seh ... why yuh din put de airconditioner ahn den?.... she seh if ah put de airconditioner ahn, den she wuddah had to close de windows an den she gun cyan get any breeze.

As ah seh dis breeze ting gat to be a Guyanese ting....

-- Romesh Singh

Bad Parrot

There was dis big mouth parrot living up in the tree, saying how he is big and bad etc. Sad part is that everybody believe him too.

Anyway, one day, dis chicken hawk come flying around to see what he can pick up in de yard. So, he land pun de tree and start to survey de place.

Den, de chicken hawk spot the parrot in between all de leaves and branches. Next ting you know, Mr Chicken Hawk trying to mek Mr parrot a meal. So, de chicken hawk pulling out feathers like crazy.

De other animals around seeing a dis green feathers flying around, start to get second thoughts about Mr Parrot.

Finally, de goat says: Hey parrot, if you bin so big and bad, how come de chicken hawk beating you fuh so?

Mr Parrot: Who you saying getting beat up? Me, I am now taking off me shirt to start fighting!

Left Hand

The boys get together as usual on Friday after work at the rum shop to kick off the weekend in fine style. They buy a large bottle of El Dorado rum, break the seal, and started to pass the bottle around to each man at the table.

Each man pour his usual "shot" of about a quarter glass, and add some "chaser" to the rum and ice. When the bottle get round to Hardat, he pour his usual shot, then he cupped his left hand and pour some rum into it too.

Well, of course everyone was surprised, and asked, "What you doing, Hardat? You glutton or what?"

Said Hardat, "Wait. What happen to you all, man? Ah can't even pour a drink fuh mi woman, or what?"

Mad Cricket

(Well this one is from Trinidad, but it is still funny!)

A feller was visiting St. Ann's one day, eh, and as he entered the gate, he see some fellers playing cricket on the grounds. One feller was bowling, man, if y' see fast ball and thing, then he throw in a few googlies to catch the batman off guard; the batman in the crease making one set a pretty strokes, eh, Brian Lara don't want nothing with him; a next one ruuning and making all kind of big dive and big jump in the air to catch the ball, he not letting a ball get by him; a next one umpiring and signalling for fours and sixes, all kind of thing.

The feller stand up and watching all this action, straining his eyes hard to see the bat and the ball, but wondering when he ain't seeing none. When he couldn't take the jamming no more, he look around the place to see who he could talk to about this thing. Finally, his eyes make four with a feller sitting down on a bench, smoking a cigarette, and watching the cricketers kind of nervously.

The feller walk over to the man to strike up a conversation about the cricket match. He titivay for a while, then he tell the man, "ey, boy, I never see nothing so yet. What y' think 'bout that match, boy. Y' ain't see what them fellers and them over there doing, boy? Boy, is a complete, complete cricket match them fellers and them playing, hitting ball for four and six and thing. Man making big jump for the ball and thing. Man knocking down man stump and man arguing how is the wind what knock down their bail. Boy, I never see nothing so yet; I only looking, but I ain't seeing no bat and no ball. Them fellers playing cricket without a bat and ball."

The man who sit down take a few more nervous puffs on the cigarette, one eye on the feller and one on the cricketers. He ain't answer the feller, eh. He only looking at the cricketers, nervous, nervous.

"Boy, what y' think about what them fellers doing? Y' ever see a man play cricket without bat and ball?" the feller ask again.

The smoker say, "hmh. Hmh. Hmh. Boy, y' think is one watch I watching them. Y' think is one watch I watching them. I come out here to relax, smoke a cigarette and thing, y' know. Me ain't give an arse what none of them fellers do . . . as long as none of them ain't hit me with the ball."

The incident decribed below happened in the pre-indepencence days in Guyana. Who know, it may even be considered as a part of our history! Here goes:

Governor General

The Governor General was making a visit to the Mental Asylum, commonly referred to as Berbice Mad House or BMH.

As he was walking around in the compound, an inmate ran up to him wait a cutlass in his hand. The GG, fearing the worst, took off like a donkey doused with turpentine. Man, if you see de GG running.

The madman kept on chasing the GG for a long time, slowing up when the GG slowed up, and speeding up when the GG sped up.

Finally, the GG could not go any more, so he drop down on the ground. The mad man came up to him, with a big smile on his face.

GG, blowing very hard: "Ok fella, I give up. Go ahead and chop me up. I don't care anymore"

Mad man, still smiling: "Get up. Get up, mi seh"

The GG slowly get up on his wobbly legs.

Mad man: "Here, tek dis cutlass. Is now yuh turn fuh chase me"

The Man Above

A man goin to wuk every day, wukkin hard fuh mek a dollar so he could keep he wife in some fancy clothes and ting. Problem is, every day as soon as he gone, she got a whole set o sweet man in de place. Monday is Tom, Tuesday is Dick Wednesday is Harry etc.

One day de man gon an de boys get dey calendar mix up and two o dem meet up in de place. Well, after some confusion de boys decide no need to fight. You know all man gaffa live.

In de middle o de festivities de man come back home early, an dem boys got no place to run. So one o dem hide up in de roof and de other one hide in de closet.

Well de husband long suspect sumpn goin on. So he did intend fuh fin out dat day, an wuss yet, he bring he cutlish fuh fly some chop.

He come in and ask she: "Who you got in me house, woman?"

She say: "Ow man, Oscar. I aint got nobody in hey. Ask de man above."

Now de man in de roof feel she talking bout he.

He holler out: "Doan ask me ask de man in de closet."

De man in de closet holler: "Doan ask me neither, I ain't know nothin. I waitin hay fuh de bus!"